I have a confession.
I spent $89.00 on a new facial serum and I’ve broken down in tears no less than three times today. While that isn’t my all -time record, it’s curious to me that today of all days, when I am emotionally at my worst, is the day I decide to start this blog. This isn’t a “woe is me” tale, it’s a confessional. I admit that when I’m feeling low, my impulse is to do some light online shopping because the dopamine hit I receive after clicking “purchase” is glorious for all of 4.9 seconds. Once the dopamine wears off, the darkness (I call him Carl), kicks in again and I’m back to pondering the whys and how’s of life and internally screaming into a void because it feels fucking good and at least screaming doesn’t put a dent in my bank account.
So, I scream and I cry and I wonder what all of this is really for? I experience an existential crisis daily because collectively, we are all going through it right now – weathering the same storm and having vastly different experiences through it all. Searching for something that lessens the trauma or gives us the bliss of ignorance to all the horrors of the world and in our minds. If we only stopped for 5 seconds to really listen, we would find that the self-reflecting on our choices is necessary, but exhausting – it merely feels better to distract ourselves with buying things than it is to truly confront the ghosts knocking on our door begging to be let in.
But, I am rambling. So, I will admit this to the tiny corner of the Internet and to myself: I have gotten so used to my own silence and blocking my own creativity, that I am complicit in my undoing. I have lost the plot and this is me setting fire to my own story that I have told myself for far too long and creating space for a new one.
And if anyone chooses to reads this: No, all my posts won’t be this grim – I can be lighthearted and express how I hate the beauty industry’s notions on “clean beauty” and advice to exfoliate three times a week. With peace and love, please throw out your Clarisonic skin brushes.