2023 started as hopeful. Like every turn of a new calendar year, it ushered in a spark of hope that our normal will be slightly different than the previous 365 days. Muddling through January into March has shown me that the hopes I have for change feel stagnant, empty. Nothing feels good enough to evenContinue reading “Dissociation Avenue”
Author Archives: 200milligrams
We reflect. We write down new goals. We stock up on champagne and funny number glasses. We pick sparkly outfits. We order takeout and try to stay awake to watch a giant ball drop at the stroke of midnight. The end of the year always brings with it some wistful rumination. For me, this yearContinue reading “San Junipero”
Love. It’s been quite some time since I experienced romantic love. The type of love that cocooned me into a feeling of peace that I never wanted to end. To feel understood by someone else. To give anything to see the other person smile. You get it – I won’t wax poetic about love. ShakespeareContinue reading “Symptomatic”
Let’s Do the Time Warp Again!
A wake-up call. Time has slipped by me and it’s as though I have woken from a months-long dissociative episode to find life is exactly where I left it. In the corner like a pile discarded clothes I have been too lazy to put into the hamper. These months away from any writing at allContinue reading “Let’s Do the Time Warp Again!”
Reemerging to my very small corner of the internet feels weird. It’s like I have been hiding in a cave for months, to come out of it to find the world has moved on without me; as it always does. Everything is in constant motion, even if time seemed to stand still for me. IContinue reading “Great Expectations”
What It Is To Burn (Out)
Are we agents of chaos? Are we humans trying to machinate our way out of being a cog in machine? Have we preserved our ghosts long enough to where we no longer see them? Are we numbed enough to keep being cogs in a capitalist trap? Have we bought enough cheap exports to avoid aContinue reading “What It Is To Burn (Out)”
Unseen skinreveals all.Soft shapes in shadesof blue and violet. I count the bruiseslike constellations,a reminder of myown mistakesand blunders. Some bruises cannotbe seen at all.Left by thosewho vowedto hold me gently,love softly. Nothing was gentle.Left with hard edges,sharp objectsI knew notto hold. I count the bruiseslike constellations.Everythingfalls.Eventually.
All my life, I have been the second choice. The option. The one men choose before their final destination to their forever person. The friend who is called upon when someone’s first choice falls through. I am the reliable one. The wise one. The one who sees through the bullshit and the facade. I amContinue reading “Option B”
When You’re No One’s Favorite Person (Trois)
The rain thundersagainst your windowlike a warning. A warning tonot fall too deepinto this notionyou’ll be alone.forever. Meals for onebecome a momentfor two.The coffee is madeand brought to youin bed. An embrace beginsto feel likehome.Yet, you stillremember. Remember howyou spent yearsalone, loving yourself.Years alone, makingyour own heart happy. You will continue todo that work,with someonealongsideContinue reading “When You’re No One’s Favorite Person (Trois)”
Into the Woods
I stumble.Adrenaline high, spirits low. The fuckening brought mehere.Wrong turns,deep wounds of change. If only I had listened.The sounds I hear nowpropel me forward.There is no going back. Deep roots in the groundwould rather I stay still.Leaves fall to remind methat everything dies.Even dreams. The woods of fatehand me a choice.A kindness.I follow the pathandContinue reading “Into the Woods”