San Junipero

We reflect. We write down new goals. We stock up on champagne and funny number glasses. We pick sparkly outfits. We order takeout and try to stay awake to watch a giant ball drop at the stroke of midnight.

The end of the year always brings with it some wistful rumination.

For me, this year brings a deep ache because it has been a year that felt insurmountable. It was a year where I unraveled – not only mentally but I took apart the patterns and structures in my life as though they were a giant ball of twisted yarn.

Things felt inescapable. This year I felt like if I didn’t confront my ghosts, demons, I would have been living disingenuously.

The unraveling is where I found joy in my own solitude. I no longer felt the need to people please in order to keep a friendship or relationship around. If they wanted to leave, I gently opened the door and wished them well.

My unraveling brought me closer to my authentic self. Shedding layers like I were going skinny dipping in the ocean. Emerging from the water as someone I had to reintroduce myself to every time I looked into the mirror.

This new version taught me to take pleasure in the ordinary instant. I pledged gratitude to the coconut chai latte from my local coffee shop. I praised my body for showing me lessons, but still allowing me to move gracefully and with ease. I wept over tiny moments of stillness – where the sound of my breath was all I could hear.

In 2023, I want to continue to unravel the structures and patterns that no longer serve my best interests. I want to continue breathing deeply and loving gently. I want to read more, consume less news. I want to surround myself in more love, in adventurous experiences. I want to immerse myself in the feeling that things are unfolding just as they should. I want to be present and keep buying myself flowers every Sunday.

Through presence, I find these quiet moments or glimpses of time where it feels as though time isn’t as black and white as I believe. Where time feels sped up and I experience this sense of “this will happen, but patience is required.”

In 2023, I promise to remain open, to be patient. I want to strive to be content with what I have and all that is to come. I will view any unraveling as a redirection to what, where and who I am supposed to be. Most of all, I will continue to be kind and gentle with myself and others. I raise my glass of mineral water to more gentle moments and less bullshit this new year.

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