Great Expectations

Reemerging to my very small corner of the internet feels weird. It’s like I have been hiding in a cave for months, to come out of it to find the world has moved on without me; as it always does. Everything is in constant motion, even if time seemed to stand still for me.

I took a break for my mental health. My creativity mode was turned off, survival mode turned on.

I survived some incredibly scary and unnerving times and thoughts. My resilience grew, my capacity for love grew, my well of anger diminished and is now inhabiting a very small fishbowl – no longer a wave ready to consume me and everything in its path.

The question that has been plaguing me lately: Where do I go from here? To usher in a new season of life – an uncertain season full of wrong turns, turbulent thoughts and a hunger for learning new things to keep up with the constant change in my life.

The direction my arrow points towards is one that gives me a sense of freedom. I no longer want to be bogged down by the expectations I perceive others have of me. The only expectations I have are of myself and what I can control – the rest is a circus that I am not the ringleader of.

My freedom aligns with coming to terms with the fact I have always followed a path which was different from others. I felt shame for so long for my life not looking like those around me – married, kids, a white picket fence or chatting about their next trip to some exotic locale or ski mountain. None of those are bad things and I do not look down upon those who cultivate and achieve those things for their life.

It’s just never felt like a life I have wanted for myself.

The path I see in front of me feels like freedom. I keep the vision close to me, not yet willing to share with the world what my dreams are. I want them to be only mine for a while longer.

I come back to my small corner of the internet to say a hello. A hello to my creativity and the possibilities that move me forward. I come back to say hello – to emerge from my cave. To no longer isolate and work towards building community around me.

Community that includes safe spaces and reconnecting with those I love and connecting with those I have yet to meet.

I expect it will be something worth writing about.

Until Then.