My So-Called Life

There are exactly 39 stairs to my apartment.

I take them every day, up and down. Up and down.

And what awaits me beyond those 39 steps? A home that some days feels like a sanctuary and others like a prison.

A cat will always greet me hello and will demand to be fed – so I oblige their request, of course.

These days, once the cats are fed, I find myself migrating to the floor of my bedroom. Where I’ll lay on the newly-carpeted floor and just stare outside my window.

No, this is not a mental-health crisis.

It’s my new coping mechanism in letting go of the minutiae of the day, the things I may have said that I wish I could take back, what I want to have for dinner and what I’ll actually have (a PB&J).

I feel very off center at the moment.

I’d like to blame the planets being in retrograde, but I believe it’s because I’m currently on Planet Overthink and it feels like I’m the sole inhabitant of this unknown land.

This home feels more like a prison lately. My new place is a beautiful lie I’ve sold myself, but for good reason.

Big changes had to take effect these past few months in order for me to uncover more hidden doors, leading me further into the rabbit hole.

Shouldn’t I want to find my way out of the rabbit hole?

Not this time. I get the feeling that going deeper down the path will aid in my journey out of it.

Paths have dead-ends, twists and turns and the unknown is where humans were built to thrive – in most cases throughout history, that statement holds up. We rise to the challenges the unknown brings us. We discover the shadows within us that demand to be free and provide us with the wisdom to carry us further than we thought we could go.

I am no longer accepting my own complacency. If I looked back on my life 10 years from now, would I want to be exactly like this? The answer is no.

On my drive home, I rolled down the windows, went to Planet Overthink and was reminded of a quote from a gone-too-soon teen sitcom from the 90s. The main character, Angela Chase, was also from the Planet Overthink. All these years later, and something Angela said still sticks with me and reminds me to unclench my jaw, drop my shoulders from my ears and just try to enjoy this weird ride we’re all on.

“People always say that you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I’ll have like, a moment, where being myself and my life right where I am is, like, enough.” – Angela Chase

*Featured image taken by me on 06/20/21*