My therapist is my favorite person right now.
But today I left my therapy session relatively angry.
Old wounds have come back to the surface and I’m forced to confront them and not waste my energy staying angry.
So, I went for a long drive, windows down and blasting Nirvana – which is my go – to when I need to process anger. Maybe that’s cliche, but it works for me and I’m not here to fix something that isn’t broken.
Confession: I do not have a good relationship with my father.
He is a narcissist and does not take accountability for his actions and always blames others. He always says I’m too sensitive. We talk every few weeks about the weather and he complains about his job and tells me what he’s watching on TV. His way of bonding with me as a kid was walking a few blocks to pick himself up a carton of cigarettes.
This is not a connection. This is going through the motions and pretending.
I am way past the point of pretending in my life. People have always wanted me to act a certain way, say certain things that were palatable, but I stopped trying to people please everyone years ago.
The only person I can truly please in my life is myself. When you start making yourself a priority, the shifts happen.
The self- love. The authentic connections and ways I can show up genuinely for those I do love and build emotional intimacy.
I will continue to be sensitive and I’m sure I’ll cry over something later, but at least I know I have the capability to feel things and feel them deeply. Processing and truly feeling my emotions helps me feel more grounded in this messy puzzle we call life.
I recognize that many people have different relationships and non-relationships with their fathers and just know that I’m here to hold space for all of those different relationships or lack thereof.
Parental connections are always complex and never simple. Therapy today helped me realize that my father has never really wanted a genuine connection because he is incapable of doing so.
He is a flawed human as we all are. I’m just done hoping that he will change. That feels good to say.
I know my writing isn’t for everyone, but thanks for processing my therapy session with me.